Chapter 17
Between Three Worlds
Early Life in Vietnam and Family Separation
The narrator, the seventh of eleven children, was born into a wealthy Chinese family in South Vietnam. Life took a drastic turn in 1978, when her family had to flee after the Communist takeover. The collapse of their financial stability meant they lost many privileges they had once enjoyed, including household servants. As a child, the narrator was confused by the changes and her parents' increasing sadness, but she was excluded from adult conversations.
In 1977, the narrator witnessed her parents, eldest brother, and three oldest sisters praying at their Buddhist temple before leaving the country. A year later, when she was seven years old, she was reprimanded at school for removing her red scarf. This led to government agents questioning her family about her missing siblings. Not long after, officials raided their home, taking their remaining luxuries, including their bicycles and television.
The narrator and several siblings were soon told they were going to visit their grandparents. However, they were taken to a dock where they boarded a ship with their aunt and cousin. As they sailed away, the narrator realized they were not headed to their grandparents’ home.
Shipwreck and Struggles as Refugees
Three days into their journey, disaster struck when their boat was shipwrecked. For a day, they drifted amidst death and illness, until a fishing boat discovered them. Instead of rescuing the survivors, the fishermen handed them over to the Vietnamese authorities, who imprisoned them on an island with other escapees.
After a month, they managed to escape and eventually reached an island in Malaysia. There, they endured several months in poor conditions, surrounded by disease and death. The narrator took responsibility for gathering food and trying to keep their small area safe. The situation grew even more dire when the narrator’s aunt received a letter from the narrator’s father, revealing that he, her mother, and the remaining siblings had also tried to flee Vietnam. Their boat had crashed as well. While her father survived and was released by authorities, he found his sons’ bodies but never that of his wife. He assumed her body had been lost at sea.
The narrator and her family were devastated and filled with guilt, but the narrator clung to hope that her mother might still be alive. She also sensed growing resentment from her aunt, who blamed the children for her misfortune and the responsibility of caring for them.
A New Life in the United States
After eight months, the family was able to immigrate to the United States. In May 1979, they arrived in Texas, where the narrator joyfully reunited with the siblings who had escaped earlier. They later moved to Glendale, California, where the narrator struggled to adjust.
The area had a small Asian population, and the narrator quickly became an outsider. Other students mocked her, calling her “China” and ridiculing her for bringing Vietnamese food to school. She became insecure about her English and her identity. Over time, however, she adapted. She started eating American food, practiced English until it felt more natural, and began to make new friends.
When the narrator's father announced he would be coming to the United States, the narrator became tense, fearing his disapproval of her attempts to assimilate. When he arrived, the room was filled with a cold atmosphere, only broken when he confirmed that her mother’s body had never been found. This news revived the narrator’s fragile hope that her mother might still be alive.
Her father quickly imposed strict rules. He feared they were losing their Vietnamese identity and forbade them from speaking English at home. Only Vietnamese or Cantonese was allowed, and he demanded they focus entirely on their studies. As the narrator entered junior high, she realized she could not keep up with the beauty trends of her American classmates, like wearing makeup, because her family forbade it. She found comfort in friendships with other Asian Americans.
Struggles with Identity and Family Expectations
The family moved to Los Angeles to be closer to Chinatown, a move the narrator resented. She had felt more comfortable around Americans and had not been around so many Asians in years. Her father forced her and her siblings to attend Chinese language school, but as she grew older, she lost interest and wanted to quit. Her refusal angered both her father and aunt, who accused her of abandoning her roots. Her aunt expressed regret, stating that if she had known they would become so rebellious, she would not have taken them out of Vietnam.
Eventually, the narrator understood her father’s fears. He worried that American culture promoted individualism and that his children would abandon him as he grew older. Seeking independence, the narrator joined the JROTC in high school. While she found patriotism in the organization, her father disapproved, feeling it was a betrayal of their Vietnamese roots. Her friends also disapproved, seeing her participation as supporting war.
Despite her family’s objections, the narrator applied to the University of California, where she chose to major in psychology. Her father dismissed her choice as useless and wanted her to stay closer to home, but she persisted. College was a lonely experience, and although she missed home, she refused to return because she didn’t want to prove her family right.
Finding a Balance Between Identities
With more freedom, the narrator felt lost. She had distanced herself from her Vietnamese identity and left behind the Buddhist faith that had been imposed on her by her family. But American life did not bring the clarity she had hoped for. She felt torn between cultures, constantly being told that the path she was on was wrong.
Ultimately, the narrator reconciled with her identity. She accepted that she would always live between three worlds—Chinese, Vietnamese, and American. Though she could never fully belong to just one, she learned to embrace the complexity of her heritage and her place in the world.